Despair - why I'm a food fraud

"I no more believe in cooking with those flavourless blocks of factory produced cheese than I do in making a chocolate mousse with chocolate-flavoured cake covering or an ice-cream sundae with one of those products made from sugar and vegetable fat instead of cream, sugar and eggs. I believe passionately that what you get out depends on what you put in."

Thus says Nigel Slater in the introduction to his chapter on cheese in my latest purchase, Real Food. And I cringed. It's that first line in particular that gets me, because I actually quite like some of the factory produced cheeses we have here - I'm sure he would include Vintage Cracker Barrel - or Coles' super vintage cheese (can't remember it's exact name) for example in his 'flavourless blocks of factory produced cheese'. And I definitely use the cheapest available block to top my lasagnes, shepherd's pies and other such dishes. Though I do agree that they are pretty tasteless. But, dare I say it, buffalo mozzarella is not all that tasty either. Indeed it's pretty bland. I even use the factory block cheese on pizza, though usually with a mix of either grana padana or mozzarella (Australian and probably not buffalo). Indeed it's a bit like the white wine I was talking about the other day, in the sense of snobby and condescending. I'm just not a fan of smelly, strong cheeses, such as the gourmet Camembert shown above, or Roquefort, Stilton, Taleggio (a current favourite it seems to me). No I prefer the milder cheeses - mild but tasty, nutty cheddars, and suchlike, Saint Paulin, Edam and Gouda ... Subtle I like to think. Hence statements such as the above make me feel that I am a failure as a foodie. Down there with the people who eat at MacDonalds.

Cheese especially, it seems to me is something that 'gourmets' get all excited about. The other evening when we had our family dinner, my son and partner gave us a probably very expensive gift, of a small slab of Will Studd cheddar. Now Will Studd as you probably know if you read anything in Australian foodie magazines is the Australian cheese guru. Just out of interest we had a mini blind tasting of his cheese and a Victorian tasty cheese from Warrnambool to see which people preferred. I didn't take part, because, now that I think about it, I have no faith in my tastebuds being able to truly differentiate between good and bad and didn't want to be shown up as someone with no taste. Interestingly though, at least half of the participants preferred the Victorian tasty. We should also have had some of the factory block cheese to compare as well.

I think this inferiority complex with respect to cheese began on my visits to France. The French, of course, love their cheese. They always have a cheese course - just one cheese, and some bread with no butter, after the main course and before the dessert. We have followed their tradition when we have dinner parties. It makes sense. Dessert goes better with coffee and coffee should be left until last.

But back to the cheese. The families I stayed with generally chose camembert for their cheese - the softer and runnier the better. And I think this means stronger as well. Simone (aged a mere 13 years) would prod the cheeses until she found the softest one. But I really didn't like it. It was much too strong for me. To my credit I tried, but I really didn't like. I still don't like it, though over the years I have trained myself to really like a creamy Brie. Camembert, however, is a step too far - and all those washed rind smelly kind of cheeses too. So my lovely French hosts bought me Gruyère. Which I have since discovered can also be too strong, but the one they bought me was not. It was one of the many little concessions they made to my lack of taste. For I'm sure they thought I was to be pitied.

And goat's cheese too. The French have so many different kinds of goat's cheese. They look beautiful and make perfect photographs. I have some somewhere but I'm not sure where. I used to think they were all horrifically strong and goaty until, in France, we were offered as an entrée - no choice, so we had to have it - a mild, fresh goat's cheese drizzled with olive oil and thyme. It was delicious. And indeed I have since discovered that a very new, very mild goat's cheese served in that way is, indeed, delicious. But I suspect that this type too is really not considered the 'real' thing.

Then there's Roquefort and all those other blue cheeses. I really, really, really cannot come at them. To me they are revolting. But just to slightly have a go at Nigel Slater and his factory cheese. Roquefort - perhaps the king of blue cheese - has lots of factories. Here is one:

Doubtless it doesn't produce the top quality Roquefort, but it's definitely Roquefort, from Roquefort France - which, let me tell you, is a pretty dreary little town in spite of its picturesque setting. One of the dreariest towns I have seen in France in fact. And this is a factory where I am sure the cheese is produced in vast quantities. And I'm sure that this is how most Roquefort is produced. There may be a few artisan little producers, but I imagine the bulk of it is from a factory. Alas we were there on a Sunday so couldn't actually visit any of the makers. Which you can.

Anyway I don't like blue cheese. And I shall never forget Antonio Carlucci in one of his Italian food programs eating a cheese somewhere in Italy that was still crawling with maggots. Even he balked at that.

As you know I am a fan of Nigel Slater, but in this particular book he is being a bit superior here and there. The recipes look delicious and very tempting and I will try some of them - including in the chapter on cheese - but his little introductions are a bit precious. Here is more to show you what I mean.

"I rarely have much cheese in the house. I prefer one, or possibly two, truly fine pieces of cheese on the table to a groaning cheeseboard. One or two really good cheeses - perhaps a log of fudgy goat's cheese and wedge of melting gorgonzola - are more enticing to me than lots of little bits on a board."

Well first of all they don't have to be little bits - you can have a few biggish pieces. If you had presented his suggestions above to me, I would not have been able to eat any of it, which is a bit inhospitable. And I suspect that everybody has a preference when it comes to cheese, so you need a bit of a cross-section of varieties it seems to me. Mind you I also remember a wonderful restaurant called John Smith's in Richmond back in the 70s, which had a cheese course which consisted of just one cheese paired with something appropriate - like pears. There was more than one cheese, but you could only choose one. The servings were generous and the cheese really good.

We always have lots and lots of bits of cheese in our fridge. Because David likes what he likes, I like what I like, and then we buy cheeses for dinner parties and inevitably we end up with little bits of this and that. I should make one of those cheese pots with them.

And cheese is expensive. Nigel Slater lives in an expensive part of London (Highbury) and has many gourmet dedicated cheese shops near to him. And no doubt he has plenty of money. The 'normal' person cannot afford cheese that costs upwards of $50.00 a kilo. The 'normal' person has to make do with the best that he can afford in the supermarket. And there are pretty decent and affordable cheeses in the supermarket - Aldi, especially is good on cheese. And we are luckier than many in that we can afford to splurge on cheese in the Queen Victoria Market food hall, where the best Australian producers sell their wares. And where you can buy expensive imported cheese too. We don't do it all the time but just sometimes.

For I love cheese. It's a major weakness and, with butter, potatoes, pasta and bread, one of the main reasons I find it hard to lose weight. I can still remember wandering into the Union shop at university and smelling fresh bread which was so tempting I would buy a small loaf, a chunk of factory produced cheese and some butter and take it back to my room and secretly binge. I really, really miss all those English cheeses - Cheshire, Wensleydale and Cheddar in particular. The ones we get here are plastic in comparison - not the Cheddar but the others. In fact, I believe the English cheeses do not travel well. And mostly the snobby cheese makers, the specialists who are reviving gourmet cheese, make European style cheeses rather than English. I have yet to see an Australian Wensleydale for example.

And even though I do descend to factory blocks, I don't ever descend to sliced packaged cheese. But I do like La Vache qui Rit (Laughing Cow) portions - which the French wife of our English friend scoffs at hugely - not real cheese at all. But very French. And I looked it up - they are made from real cheese.

But so as not to end on a sour note. In his cheese chapter Nigel Slater has some recipes for dishes that look so delectable I could give them a go.

Goat's cheese tarts

They look so wonderful I could even try and overcome my hatred of goat's cheese. Maybe a very mild one. You simply slice a log of goats cheese into chunks, encase them in puff pastry. Top with thyme or rosemary and bake.

So simple and yet so delectable looking. They would make a great first course. Perhaps with a small green side salad.

Baked camembert in the box

Unwrap it and put it back in the box. Rub with garlic, make a few holes and sprinkle with white wine. Then bake. Won't be trying that one though. As I said, I really can't come at camembert. But I guess it would work with Brie too.

Maybe.

Grilled plums with blackberries, mascarpone and brown sugar

I might try this one though. Slice the plums in half and remove the stones. Put in a baking dish. Put a blackberry in each plum half. Mix mascarpone, vanilla extract and brandy or kirsch and pour over each plum. Sprinkle with sugar and grill.

Easy - might try that for my next dinner party dessert. It's the time of year for blackberries I think - or are they over?

Then there were somewhat more complicated recipes for cheesecakes, cauliflower cheese soup, salads, cannelloni, and something he called rarebit puffs - which I also might try some time - similar but slightly more complicated than the Goat's cheese tarts.

Lots to tempt. Just wish he didn't make me feel like a pleb.